Dr Phil's Couch
by N.Sidney
Summary: Skits describing the happenings of Jacob and Edward on Dr. Phil's couch, in Jerry Springer's uncomfortable looking chairs, and on Oprah's couch! Rated T for some mildly mature humor.


Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon, the Oprah Winfrey show, Jerry Springer, or Dr. Phil's methods. In fact, I don't own any of this except for the plot.

So this is what would happen if Bella made Jacob and Edward go to couple's counseling to prevent them from killing each other. This idea originated on the infamous Twilight Lexicon. I had the Dr. Phil idea, people wanted more, and I wrote more. We'll see if I'll write any more additions!

As always: Please review! I know that no one listens to people saying this, but I do this to become the best writer I can possibly be. So you hate it? Review! You love it? Review to make me feel all warm and fuzzy!

* * *

**Setting: Dr. Phil's office (not to be mistaken with Renee's husband, Phil)**

(Enter Jacob Black and Edward Anthony Masen Cullen)

Doc: Please you two have a seat.

(Jacob lets himself drop onto the couch. Edward proceeds to slowly sink down as far away from him as possible)

Edward: First of, I'd like to start of by seeing that we do not need counseling. We get along perfectly well...

(Jacob snorts)

Edward: Oh what? You want to disagree with me, wolf boy? Eh? Eh?

Doc: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen...

(Jacob interrupts)

Jacob: You're name is WHAT?!

Edward: (to the good Doc) Edward will be quite sufficient.

Doc: Ah yes well Edward, why so much hostility? Is there something you'd like to tell Jacob?

Edward: (looks at Jacob) He knows what I want...

Jacob: And he knows what I want...

Edward: And he knows that I can't give him what he wants...

Jacob: And he knows...

Doc: Okay this is just plain dumb! Edward...Jacob, the key to a fulfilling and happy relationship is communication. So on a scale of one to ten, how well do the two of you get along?

Jacob: zero

Edward: Wait; wait...one being not at all...and 10 being I have his name tattooed on my butt?

Doc: Just answer instinctively...

Edward: Okay ten than!

(Doc and Jacob stare. Jacob looks freaked out)

Edward: What? He said answer instinctively and the happy voice in my head was telling me that ten is a nice number.

Doc: err...okay than...that is an issue that we _will_discuss at a later time! Next question, you two, How often do you guys have sex?

Jacob: (really loudly) ZERO!!!

Edward: I don't get it, is this another one to ten thing?

(Jacob looks ready to strangle him even more than before)

* * *

**Setting: The Jerry Springer Show**

(Jerry Enters)

Jerry: Audience I have a special treat for you today. Heroes of the number one best selling novel by Stephenie Meyer are here today!

(Listens to faint chanting of 'Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake" and 'Edward, Edward, Edward')

Jerry: Yes, that is them! They are here today to talk out their differences regarding a beautiful human named Bella. Guys come on out here!

(Edward and Jacob come in from different sides of the stage. They glare at each other.)

Edward: (seeming distracted) Jerry, did you just call my Bella beautiful?

Jerry: ...erm...yes?

Edward and Jacob: (explode) She's much more than beautiful!

(Look at each other sheepishly)

Edward: We just agreed...

Jacob: THAT didn't happen!

Edward: Fair deal!

Jacob: You just did it again!

Edward. Did what?

Jacob: Agreed with me! Stop it!

Edward: fine...Mr. Grumpy wolf!

Jacob: Oh no you didn't! snaps fingers

Edward: Oh yes I did!

Jacob: (gets up and tries to pick up chair to throw at Edward) I just remembered that they started bolting those to the floor, Billy was right the show hasn't been fun ever since they did that...

Audience: Billy watches Jerry Springer?

Billy: (stands up in audience) No, I don't!

Jerry: (watches the ping pong match of wit)

Jacob: Fine then, I was going to restrain myself!

(Rips chair out of the floor)

Jerry: (looks alarmed and starts talking into his walkie talkie, which just materialized out of thin air) we have an out of control werewolf in filming studio C. Over.

(Jacob starts shaking)

Jerry: I think he's about to morph! Heck the kid is huge when human...I don't want to know his wolf form! Everyone evacuate!

Commercial voice: More of Jacob vs. Edward on tomorrow's Oprah.

* * *

**Setting: The Oprah Winfrey Show**

Oprah: Today I have an extraordinary story for you. Three people, part of a love story (pause) with a twist!

First of let's meet Edward, a vampire with a twisted past and even more confusing present. His future according to his sister, Alice, holds more surprises.  
Edward, please come out here!

(Edward comes in looking sheepish at the calls of 'You're hot' coming from the audience. He hugs Oprah and sits down on her couch)

Oprah: Now Edward, tell me what is your story?

Edward: As you have mentioned before Oprah, I may call you Oprah?

Oprah: Yes, everyone does!

Edward: Well, now I'm not everyone...

Oprah: Move it along, Ed!

Edward: (dry tone) Ed? It's Edward.

Oprah: Touchy subject?

Edward: Moving along, Oprah!  
As you have mentioned I'm a vampire. Now before the audience has a panic attack, I'm a vegetarian (chuckles). That means that my family and I have chosen to eat animals and not humans. I have never had any true problems with this until I walked into biology and came to face with my worst nightmare, Bella Swan.

(Picture of Bella flashes on screen behind the couch)

Oprah: My Edward, she's gorgeous!

Edward: (nods) I believe that she is the most beautiful girl, woman, in the entire world. Still, she was like my own personal daemon send from hell that day. Her blood is exquisite. It attracts me more than anything I've ever smelled before in my life.

Oprah: You're saying you want to eat her?

Edward: Yes, but my loyalty to my family stopped me that day.

Oprah: Edward, could we move this story along? We only have an hour to tell this!

Edward: Okay...long story short. I fell in love with her, she fell in love with me...

Audience: Awwww!

Oprah: (looks wistful)

Edward: And then I left her for her own good...

Oprah: WHAT?

Edward: (fast) But I came back! However while I was gone she became quite close to another man, not man...but he can explain that himself, Jacob Black.

Oprah: We will be back with Jacob Black, after the break!

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Commercial:

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------

Oprah: Before the commercial we met Edward Cullen, a vampire intent on loving a human girl. Now here comes Jacob, her best friend!

(Jacob comes in looking weirded out by the, 'You're hot' calls. He takes a seat, far away from Edward.)

Oprah: Now Jacob, tell us what you are.

Jacob: I'm a werewolf. You see, it is in my nature to protect my clan from vampires. It's in my blood from both sides. So you could say that it is in my nature to hate this guy (points to Edward), but my extreme dislike for him has another reason altogether. My best friend loves him, and he left her! Upon his return she just came running back to him, like nothing changed...

Oprah: How was it for you, seeing Bella so upset over Edward?

Jacob: It hurt, Oprah, it really hurt me to see her hurt over an idiot bloodsucker! She was broken and I did everything in my power to help her. Those months he was gone, I was there for her, she knew from the start that I wanted more...that I would always love her...more than a friend should ever love her. Then he returns and I find out that she wants to become one of them? The pain, Oprah, the pain!

Oprah: What you're saying is that this werewolf was really hurting?

Jacob: (grins half heartedly) Yes, he was really hurting.

Oprah: Edward, you have stayed very calm through all of this. Why is that?

Edward: (strangled voice) I must assure you that it only looks that way on the outside. Looks can be deceiving. Take me for example...I'm clearly beautiful...

Girl in Audience: Oh yea, baby!

Edward: But I'm a monster on the inside...I don't want my beautiful, caring, loving, wonderful Bella to become a monster. Yes, I want her around forever (he looks at her picture) but her soul is so beautiful to me, do I dare take it away?

Oprah: It's what she wants.

Edward: Sometimes we ourselves, do not know what's best for us, do we?

Jacob: She doesn't. And I don't get what she wants with you, Cullen! Just...please...leave...let me mend her wounds...

Edward: Now, Jacob, we have been through this before. (To Oprah) We went on Jerry Springer and to Dr. Phil. I'm not leaving till she orders me away.

Jacob: If you loved her, you'd let her go...

Edward: I have once before and that didn't do her any good, did it? Victoria...

Jacob: We can handle the red head!

Edward: So you say...

Oprah: What interests me now is Bella's reaction. Can we bring Bella Swan in?

(Bella trips in the door and blushes. She sits down in between Edward and Jacob.)

Oprah: You are the girl in between. Literally now...but also in your relationship with these two.

Bella: Yes, I am. Now, Jacob, I want to say something. I love you, you are my best friend in the world, and I didn't think that I could ever smile again till you came! I don't want to loose you (stern look at Edward) ever. You mean so much to me...and I wish that things could be different with the treaty and well with everything. (She hugs him)

Audience: Awwww!

Oprah: Now that is what I call friendship...

Bella: Now Edward, you are my soul mate. You know this, I know this, Stephenie Meyer knows this, and America knows this! I want to stay with you forever, because I can't stand the thought of ever loosing you. (Begins to cry)

Jacob: Look you did it again! Bella, honey... (Tries to touch her)

Bella: No, don't. I wish the two of you could just get along. You are the two most important people in my life!

Edward: Bella...

Jacob: We can't...

Edward: It's his nature, he has a short temper. He's very young.

(Jacob growls)

Edward: (looks at him) you see!

Oprah: So, you two just cannot get along, because of the treaty?

Jacob: Yes, but it goes deeper than that. I cannot allow him to turn her...into...into a monster!

Bella: It's what I want! Will you hate me, Jake?

Jacob: You? Never. It's what you'll become that I'll hate! I've said it before and I'll say it again. You cannot love the both of us! Make a choice!

Oprah: Who will Bella choose? Life or death? Love or friendship? The answer...lies in Eclipse, the third installment of the epic love story, in bookstores on August 7th, 2007!

Commercial voice: On tomorrows Oprah, Dr. Cullen answers your questions!

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Backstage:

Jacob: Can someone please powder my nose? I'm starting to look a little chalky here!

Make-up artist: (feels his head) Oooo you're hot!

Jacob: Thank you!


End file.
